Romantic Hopelessness

I need to find the part of the brain that lets us make masochistic decisions – Specifically, the area which lets me watch romantic movies.

Here's what I want to understand. What sick sadistic pleasure do I get from watching these things?? Seeing the hottest-of-the-hot spout out these perfectly written lines that are delivered with such honesty and sincerity that they'd literally charm the pants off of anyone??!

How exactly is that fun for me???

Because you know what happens after that movie ends???

Not a god damn thing.

Boys continue to be immature, stupid, oblivious, and uninteresting as ever. And I continue to have my expectations shot down - blown to pieces - demolished.

Fact. Growing up A Walk to Remember almost ruined my life.

Here I am; this impressionable young thing. Minding my own business, just deciding to watch a movie with my friend, and I see Landon sweep Jamie off her feet. An innocent and kind girl sheltered from the world falls in love with a boy, more amazing than she could ever imagine.

I CAN PRACTICALLY FEEL MY YOUNGER SELF'S EYES SPARKLING!!

I became so desperate and lonely after that god forsaken film. I was sure I'd be alone for forever because if I didn't have THAT kind of love, I didn't want any of it...

What in the ever loving hell??? HOW?...

And the thing is, I still watch these movies and allow them to drag me to the deepest depths of despair. 

You'd think I'd learn after watching Noah kiss Allie in the pouring rain... But nope. I just keep coming back. Like the mindless consumer I am.

Thankfully, I now know how crazy I am. I'm aware these things don't get me anywhere and that they are pure fantasy. I KNOW THAT. I'm not stupid.

I just... Can't help but want to escape into that simpler world.

Boy meets girl -  boy and girl fall in love - the couple has a whirlwind romance - more crap happens - then they either go their separate ways, better people for having loved each other, or they die of old age, clinging to each other as they take their last breath...

I know. I know. What self respecting feminist would ever admit to having such an unhealthy relationship with 'romance'?

Well, I guess this one.  

I'm very aware that real love doesn't come in these pre-packaged films. I get that. But I'm worried for the girls that lose themselves a little TOO much in these fairytales. Even I still struggle with it and I consider myself a very level-headed and self-aware girl. But me at 16 was miserable for it.

Can we just do away with these things completely please?

Because I'm pretty sure that romance movies are going to be responsible for the collapse of the modern world. 

Until then, I’m just going to put this on repeat…

#Hopeless 

'Take your eyes off others'

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.

You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them." 
- Jennifer James

I keep reading this back to myself. Going over each detail and trying to really appreciate what's being said.

It resonates – That’s for sure.

When I look at my life objectively, I can see how people might assume that my feelings of jealously stem mostly from my 'disadvantages'. And, I'm not going to lie; there are moments when I AM insanely jealous of the most simple of things... Being able to take care of myself for instance. Let’s be real though. Who wouldn’t have those moments?

But honestly, I've had my whole life to come to terms with my disability. And I recognize that being handicapped may alter experiences or make them less frequent, but it doesn't mean they're denied to me outright. Not to mention, this is me... And to have that disappear would mean that a huge part of my [self] would also go missing.

Nothing short of a divine act from god, is going to make me 'normal'. So, I see little point in being resentful or jealous about things that are just not going to change. I don’t have time for that useless crap in my life.

I experience more jealously towards the things that I feel as though I could possess, but for whatever reason don’t have. Alain de Botton’s thoughts on this have kinda helped me a lot with moving past this kind of jealousy.

I guess I learned a long time ago that ‘deserving’ has nothing to do with what people actually get. Stuff is dealt out and we have to do the best we can with what we’re given. Knowing that we’re all kind of working from the same chaotic base – helps a bit with the whole ‘personal and emotional security’ thing. Which sounds weird I know. But it works for me.

Thoughts from all over the place

-Shopping is less fun when you're on a budget that allows to you spend nothing.

-The 'city' I'm planning on moving to looks a lot less like a city; now that I've come back from Chicago.

-My sister is a crappy crappy person for thinking that she's allowed to grow up.

-As much as I wanna run away from Virginia, I can't imagine any place outdoing our Fall weather. Today was dream like...

-I can spend all of a day bored out of my mind, but everyone will always want my attention at the same time.

-Sleep is something I need to cut back on. I'm so over it (watch me fall asleep at 11 tonight, now that I've said that).

I know I talk about leaving ALL the damn time these days. I know it'll happen eventually. It's only a matter of time now. But, deep down, I know I'm going to miss this place a lot lot. Not only this town, but also this moment in time.

I'm wishing away time in a way I'm kind of ashamed of. I need to appreciate what I have right now. I'm hoping that tomorrow is better, but as long as today is good, I need to stop bitching. 

Reviewing The New Normal

"A single mother's life as she becomes a surrogate for a gay couple"

So this is the gist of Ryan Murphy's new show The New Normal - which attempts to shake up the traditional sitcom format by putting modern characters into a classic setting. Not a revolutionary idea; but a gay couple has never carried a show on network television before.

So, duh, I can't help but check it out and give it a chance. TV history in the making babes!!! 

All-in-all the show was good and I enjoyed it. But I'm not totally sold yet. For a couple of reasons.

Ryan seems to believe that as long as insults and stereotypes are set up as an equal opportunity situation then they can get as cringe worthy and bigoted as he’d like. And honestly, I don't really consider myself a super sensitive person. Like, I'm all for saying terrible things and expecting others to laugh. I'm fine with pushing people’s buttons and I get annoyed at the constant attempt to make every comment and remark politically correct. I mean, we don’t need to take things so seriously ALL the time. 

But even I started to side-eye a few comments and choices that were made in the Pilot. I just... I’ll put it this way. If I was a gay person, I'm not sure I'd want to hear an offensive remark at EVERY turn...

I think Ryan rationalizes it to himself by saying no one is off limits. Whether you're black, a little person, a mature mom, or deaf... He's not picking on anyone in particular; he's picking on everyone. And I’m sure there will be many decent human beings totally ok with this. They'll find it endearing, as even I did half of the time - but eventually it got a little tacky and insulting for my taste. So, ehh...

As for the characters themselves.

I really like Bryan. He’s going to be very dear to my heart I expect. I like how he handled David and I can see why they work well together. I liked that he really thought about what it means to be a parent and he seemed to be warm and sturdy as well as a jittery first time dad.

I’m more on the fence with David. Mostly because his obsession with ‘owning’ a baby left a bad taste in my mouth. I mean, I have no doubt he’ll love the hell out of a bouncing bundle of joy, but... Babies aren’t fashion accessories.

I will say this though; the scene where Bryan and David are cuddling in bed and talking about ‘baby making stuff’ was so heartwarming and lovely. It was nice to see David being selfless and understanding - in a way I was worried he might not be. Also, his teasing seemed less domineering and more playful here. More of everything in this scene is what I want out of the show.

Goldie is a fresh face and it’s nice to see her pulling her life together. She has no right to be as progressive and liberal as she is though. Considering she was mostly raised by her grandmother... But whatever... We can’t all be judged based on our crazy ass families – Black sheep and all.

I’m kinda in love with NeNe Leaks and I hope they keep letting her do her thing. I think its Ryan’s bitchy writing style that fits her so well. It’s a yin-yang of terrible/goodness. I loved her on Glee as well.

Question: Did they ever say whether or not Bryan and David were specifically married? If not, I’m interested to see if that’ll ever come up as a plot point. I’m assuming it would. That’s kinda the whole point of the show. To comically address the situations ‘abnormal’ families face.

One last thing.

I know a LOT of Glee fans keep screaming about how Bryan and David are the grown up versions of Kurt and Blaine. And although there are definitely some similarities on the surface, I think it's unfair to jump to that so quickly.

If we have to make comparisons, I'd say that Bryan and Kurt share more commonalities than David and Blaine. Though in terms of relationships, I'd say the two couples operate much differently. Bryan and David seem to be on a much more level playing field than Kurt and Blaine. With them it doesn't seem as though one person runs everything ALL the time; like it is with Klaine.

David is his own man, and Bryan seems to have his own life as well (from what we can tell so far). And I really appreciate that. Because in a healthy relationship it's about two whole people coming together - Not about two halves coming together to become whole.    

I think one of the strong themes on New Normal is going to be about self improvement; about how you can make yourself better, for your family and also for yourself. Happiness usually comes from the relationships we build and I think Ryan’s trying to say that the unconventional can be just as enriching as the ‘normal’.   

So, it has potential to be something really special. But Ryan has to stick to the things that keep the show real. And not just make into a comedic farce. 

Me stupid. Friends smart.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

My friends are a million billion times wiser, kinder, and generally more amazing than I’ll ever be. Therefore, I’m just going to let my best friend handle today’s post.

Mostly because it’s exactly what I needed to hear; but also a little bit because I’m lazy.

I want to be more aware of my behavior, and how it may be affecting others. But by doing that I need to not be so hard on myself and just try to be in the moment - I should give that same respect to everyone as well. We get caught up. We say dumb things. We unintentionally hurt the people we care about, because we're grasping at straws and doing what we must in order to maintain some semblance of self-preservation. Because sometimes it feels like you're the only one who can fix yourself when it feels like nothing is going right - so you bring up anything and everything that could possibly build you up again. Sometimes that includes talking yourself up to other people.

How do I even get someone this wonderful to talk to me, much less be one of my closets friends??...

I work the darkest of magic. That's how.

Be jelly.

Stupid-happy over the little things

Summer is over. The big exciting trips and events have passed, and now it's time to break down and weep. Wait, no.

That's not right.

What I meant to say was -- This season isn't my favorite.

So, I need things to look forward to. And believe it or not, I get a lot of joy out of these small things. In fact, this is the stuff that keeps me going though the Fall/Winter.

I want to make a list so I have something to look at while the countdown to Summer continues on.

The fangirl me is excited about:

-The Casual Vacancy (September 27th)

-A Mother's Nightmare (September 29th)

-Struck by Lightening Movie/Book (Date Not Announced)

-Darren's New Album (Not Yet Announced but we all know it's coming... Eventually. One Day.)

-The XX - Coexist Album (September 11th)

-Lord Huron - Lonesome Dreams (October 9th)

-Mumford & Sons - Babel (September 24th)

-Downton Abbey (September 16th)  

-American Horror Story (October 17th)

-The Walking Dead (October 14th)

-The Vampire Diaries (October 11th)

-Doctor Who (It's already back, but it comes on every week... What can I say? I'm excited!!)

Less superficial excitements:

-Hot Tea

-Scarves

-Hats

-Sweaters

-Home made soups

-Jane Austin and Shakespeare

-Candles

-Twinkle lights

-Breakfast dates with Brit

-Hot water bottles

-Pumpkin spiced lattes

-Baked Stuff

And yup... That's what's going to get me through what I call the 'dark times'.

I'm sure I've forgotten some things. And there's always new stuff showing up to surprise me as I go. But for now, this is what I cling to. This is how I remind myself that it's not all bad. 

I feel weird linking these posts to twitter

Mostly because I can't understand why anyone other than me would want to read them. It's like I'm 'promoting' these little things I don't really believe in.

What I write here is mostly dribble that comes out of my head and through my fingertips.  I try and always think about what I'm saying, in every situation I find myself in. But It's not like I'm devoting hours and hours of work into these 'essays'. I'm not really proud of what I'm writing.

I mean, I'm not ashamed of what I'm writing, I just... Don't see a lot of value in it. So why should I bother sharing these little thoughts with my Internet community? Why not just post for myself and leave it at that. Share only what I am proud of.

This is the debate I have with myself constantly. I go round and round about whether or not this thing is even useful... Giving myself ample amount of opportunity to back out and quit publishing my thoughts.

But you know what? Those are just excuses.

I know deep inside that I'm just being a perfectionist and making up reasons for me to hide behind. 

I've done it before. I've caved under the pressure I put on myself and quit putting my stuff(self) out there.

Because anytime I write, I'm making myself vulnerable. I know 90% of what comes out of this blog is shit. I KNOW that. But it's my shit. It's me. It's stupid and maybe pretentious, narcissistic, immature and dumb. But it's mine. And I keep putting it out there because it captures a moment in time. It allows me to share an honest part of myself with the world in real time. As the process happens - as I'm thinking, growing, and changing - hopefully you can see it happen with little filter. And maybe, that honesty and vulnerability will resonate with another.

At the end of it all, I don't have to win anyone's favor except my own.

So enough worrying about whether or not my words have value or worth. Because the fact that I post them at all means they count for something.

Being quiet is the only way to lose this fight with myself.