An email to my friend that I wrote today:
Ok, so Neaf’s story has managed to stir up a lot of stuff inside me and I kinda need to get it out.
While I was reading the chapter last night, I can’t even explain to you how strong my desire was to comfort Cooper. Like, all I wanted in the whole world was to hold him. The urge to take him in my arms was overwhelming.
Anyways, a few weeks ago friend boy was visiting and we were catching up. I won’t go into all the details, but he’s STARVED for affection. Like, everything screams it at me. Not only is he directly saying that's what he needs, his body language is blatantly obvious. He’s curled inward, he’s got sad puppy eyes, etc... So there’s this moment -- and I've been playing it over-and-over in my head, even before Neaf got in there and started stirring things up -- where every instinct in my body was to reach out and hold him.
But I just... Couldn't do it.
I had to fight against everything inside me to keep from comforting him. I mean, I consciously remember making the decision not to move. For him it was only a second, but for me, I was having this inner WAR with myself.
And I know that isn’t right. I wanted to touch him, he wanted to be touched, so why couldn't I go through with it?...
What was I so afraid of??
And I don’t want to imply that any of this intimacy was romantic. I just mean, I wanted to be close to him, as a friend... And I couldn’t do it!! One of the people I feel closest and safest with, I was holding back from.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him more than anything else in the whole world. But, you know I can’t do that. Literally. I can’t reach out and do that.
Asking for a hug, when you want to be the one comforting the other person, is awkward... And frustrating as hell. And, embarrassing? I’m not sure you can even wrap your head around that feeling.
But even that is no excuse. Because I could have taken his hand. I know I could have. It wouldn't have been enough, but it would have been something.
I just, wonder if this might go back to the dom/sub thing we were talking about.
It's almost like it’s in my nature to be a Dom. Protect, care, nurture, hold... But I feel like I'm trapped inside a Sub’s body. Where I'm forced to always be the one accepting the love, care, nurture...
And because of that, because I feel ashamed I can’t do or be what my instincts tell me to do or be, I retreat...
While I was reading the chapter last night, I can’t even explain to you how strong my desire was to comfort Cooper. Like, all I wanted in the whole world was to hold him. The urge to take him in my arms was overwhelming.
Anyways, a few weeks ago friend boy was visiting and we were catching up. I won’t go into all the details, but he’s STARVED for affection. Like, everything screams it at me. Not only is he directly saying that's what he needs, his body language is blatantly obvious. He’s curled inward, he’s got sad puppy eyes, etc... So there’s this moment -- and I've been playing it over-and-over in my head, even before Neaf got in there and started stirring things up -- where every instinct in my body was to reach out and hold him.
But I just... Couldn't do it.
I had to fight against everything inside me to keep from comforting him. I mean, I consciously remember making the decision not to move. For him it was only a second, but for me, I was having this inner WAR with myself.
And I know that isn’t right. I wanted to touch him, he wanted to be touched, so why couldn't I go through with it?...
What was I so afraid of??
And I don’t want to imply that any of this intimacy was romantic. I just mean, I wanted to be close to him, as a friend... And I couldn’t do it!! One of the people I feel closest and safest with, I was holding back from.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him more than anything else in the whole world. But, you know I can’t do that. Literally. I can’t reach out and do that.
Asking for a hug, when you want to be the one comforting the other person, is awkward... And frustrating as hell. And, embarrassing? I’m not sure you can even wrap your head around that feeling.
But even that is no excuse. Because I could have taken his hand. I know I could have. It wouldn't have been enough, but it would have been something.
I just, wonder if this might go back to the dom/sub thing we were talking about.
It's almost like it’s in my nature to be a Dom. Protect, care, nurture, hold... But I feel like I'm trapped inside a Sub’s body. Where I'm forced to always be the one accepting the love, care, nurture...
And because of that, because I feel ashamed I can’t do or be what my instincts tell me to do or be, I retreat...
And I'm really going to have to work on resolving this 'I'm not good enough unless I can give as much as I take' thing.
Because I think that's the heart of just about ALL my intimacy issues.
I realized, mid conversation with my friend, that all THIS really related to what I was writing about yesterday. I’m very focused on giving, and while generosity is a good thing, giving to feel validated or because you feel like you have to is never OK.
I'm going to work on accepting that I don't have to do anything to be validated. All I need to do is exist. Trying to earn your way into the hearts of others will always lead to disappointment.
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