Day-by-Day

I’ve been doing well recently. I haven’t been so unnecessarily anxious, I’ve been focusing on the right things, and I haven't been so composed of jealously or longing. I've been happy and content. In a less artificial and more genuinely satisfied way.

But I'm far from invincible.

I was dealing with a few little vulnerability things yesterday. Putting myself out there and feeling the awkward or uncomfortable response really isn't fun.

I was temped to do that thing you do when you feel like you're opening up too much.

Back up and shut down.

And even though that's what I did a little bit, I was totally aware of what was happening. I knew WHY I was choosing the behavior.

And... That's ok.

I was scared. I felt like I needed to protect my heart. My fears were probably MUCH less warranted than they felt at the time. But they were there and I had to respond.

And then the insecurity of 'I'm no where as good as so-and-so' was creeping in again.

I feel it. I'm aware of what's happening. And although I get frustrated with myself, I have to remember to look at things as they really are, and not just how they feel.

I'm not going to get this right all the time. I understand that. I've accepted it. And I'm ok with it as well.

But I just want to remind myself (remind you) that this self-improvement thing is a struggle.

It's messy, complicated, and awkward. But you know what? -- Life is awkward.

So just embrace it. Accept that the bad crap is going to go down. Both inside and outside of the self. It's how you react to it that matters.