Sometimes we fall in love with people we don't expect.

"True Love is one of the rarest jewels of life, treasure it with all your heart. When you find someone who loves you just as you are, is steadfast during moments of stress, willing to grow with you and allows you to feel however you choose to feel in any moment - there is nothing more you will ever find in a person. You've found True Love when you feel fear; fear of vulnerability, fear of abandonment and fear of letting go of your own stubborn egoic patterns that keep the real you separate and safe from the other. Trust in love and go towards your fear, taking this leap of faith in every moment is the journey Love requires for its sweet reward."
- Jackson Kiddard

I don't know if I’m in love exactly (I’m not even sure if I can be) but I do know I love them. I also know that I love them enough it scares the shit out of me.

I’ve heard people say that before -- That they love someone so much that it scares them.

Honestly, I never got the expression. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I mean, I always thought the saying was very romantic and full of beautiful longing prose, but it didn’t seem very reasonable or logical...

(Naive much? Love and Logic have NOTHING to do with each other. I get that more every day.)

I always thought that if you really and truly loved someone you'd feel safe. You’d feel safe in the relationship and trust that everything was going to be ok. I thought fear was to be felt at the beginning of a relationship. Weak in the knees, butterflies, sweaty palms... That was the kind of fear I was expecting.

But that's so wrong. That's the easy fear. That’s the part of the relationship where it doesn't matter so much if they walk away. "That’s ok." you can say to yourself, because "They didn't really know me." or "We just weren’t a good match."

That wouldn't crush me or my heart quite as much because it makes since. I could rationalize the situation and take some of the pressure off.

It takes courage to put yourself out there for a first date. I don't deny that at all. But to me it takes a hell of a lot more courage to tell someone you love them for the first time. Or the second. Or the 10,000th. Because the further entrenched you get, the more damage that can be done. The more you open your heart, the easier life can pulverize it.

I didn’t expect to be scared out of my mind so far into this thing. But it's there. Palpable, new, and unexpected.

It’s not all terrifying. In some ways I feel more relaxed now than ever. But in other ways... I can’t believe how vulnerable and exposed I am. Truth is, you can feel both things at once. Fear - Safety

And apparently that’s the good kind of love. That’s the kind you’re supposed to hold onto. All that stuff Mr. Kiddard said? The fear of vulnerability, the fear of abandonment? Yeah. That.

I'll be honest and open and fearless, and a wave of ’Oh my god, you're being too clingy, RELAX!!! Stop being so mushy, you sound desperate.' hits me so hard I feel swept up in desperation. At those moments all I want in the whole world is to be aloof and cool and not look like the world is going to cave in around me if I don't hear from them for a whole day.

Not to mention, writing this out is another whole level of vulnerability. Putting it out there and recognizing what exactly I'm feeling... Scary as crap I assure you.

Part of me just hopes it slips away and is never to be seen again... And the other part? The part scared shitless?Well, she’s just going to have to take a deep breath, shrug her shoulders and understand that we’ll deal with the fallout if it ever comes. Because this is important. Getting this out is important.

I'm not ready to say I love you yet. Because I don't know if I do. And I can't... I can't even imagine myself going there right now.

But, I can't keep denying that something is going on inside me.

It's time to be brave and lean into the discomfort.