So I think I realized why I stopped writing during the past
month.
Apart from the influx of personal drama-rama I was going through, I think I was starting to actually get a little shy about writing in general again.
I think it might have been one part: self doubt, another part: branching out and posting my blogs to twitter (the place where I'm most active online), one part: not hiding behind fandom topics, and another part: HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY READING MY THOUGHTS. People who KNOW ME *whisper yells* In. Real. Life!!!
I think it all just sort of accumulated, and at different times, one or more things started really affecting me. And I couldn't work on concurring that fear on top of dealing with everything else that was going on. So I did what I always tend to do when I'm scared.
I shut down, turn my ass in the opposite direction, and I RUN.
I have two primary ways of dealing with anxiety. They are:
Attack, attack, attack!!!!
Or
Run, run, run!!!!
Pretty standard- yeah?
It's kinda the fight or flight response at its best. Protecting one from that shitty shitty feeling fear-induced-anxiety gives you.
But here's the thing, remember what this place was started for? To increase my courage. To remember that the things that scare me are the things I should probably be doing the most.
But enough with the bullshit bumper stickers.
Most people aren't going to analyze and critique what I have to say anywhere NEAR the level that I'm going to critique my own stuff. So, I just need to get over that crap.
And maybe what I have to say might matter to someone or maybe it won't. Because frankly it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day I write for me. And if I feel like I have something to say, then it's going out there.
I dunno, maybe to the outside world a 23 year old shouldn't be this affected... But I'm not going to pretend like it isn't going on. I may be scared but I won't be dishonest.
It's good to educate one another where we really are and not just put on a brave face and pretend like everything is peachy keen!
Because someone somewhere may see this and say, ’She doesn't look scared! What am I doing wrong?! God, why can’t I just get my shit together and put it out there?!'
I'm here to say that right now this is hella scary, and you can assume it will continue to be that way for quite some time. But whatever, I'm doing it anyway.
I'm not wrong for feeling this way. I'm only wrong if I let it stop me or if I choose not to talk about it.
Apart from the influx of personal drama-rama I was going through, I think I was starting to actually get a little shy about writing in general again.
I think it might have been one part: self doubt, another part: branching out and posting my blogs to twitter (the place where I'm most active online), one part: not hiding behind fandom topics, and another part: HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY READING MY THOUGHTS. People who KNOW ME *whisper yells* In. Real. Life!!!
I think it all just sort of accumulated, and at different times, one or more things started really affecting me. And I couldn't work on concurring that fear on top of dealing with everything else that was going on. So I did what I always tend to do when I'm scared.
I shut down, turn my ass in the opposite direction, and I RUN.
I have two primary ways of dealing with anxiety. They are:
Attack, attack, attack!!!!
Or
Run, run, run!!!!
Pretty standard- yeah?
It's kinda the fight or flight response at its best. Protecting one from that shitty shitty feeling fear-induced-anxiety gives you.
But here's the thing, remember what this place was started for? To increase my courage. To remember that the things that scare me are the things I should probably be doing the most.
But enough with the bullshit bumper stickers.
Most people aren't going to analyze and critique what I have to say anywhere NEAR the level that I'm going to critique my own stuff. So, I just need to get over that crap.
And maybe what I have to say might matter to someone or maybe it won't. Because frankly it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day I write for me. And if I feel like I have something to say, then it's going out there.
I dunno, maybe to the outside world a 23 year old shouldn't be this affected... But I'm not going to pretend like it isn't going on. I may be scared but I won't be dishonest.
It's good to educate one another where we really are and not just put on a brave face and pretend like everything is peachy keen!
Because someone somewhere may see this and say, ’She doesn't look scared! What am I doing wrong?! God, why can’t I just get my shit together and put it out there?!'
I'm here to say that right now this is hella scary, and you can assume it will continue to be that way for quite some time. But whatever, I'm doing it anyway.
I'm not wrong for feeling this way. I'm only wrong if I let it stop me or if I choose not to talk about it.
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