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I'm getting lazy and self-conscious again. Hence, the radio silence. I started letting the pressure get to me and I jumped ship. Once that happened, I started getting even more disappointed with myself. Which just made me want to hide away.

I started being really self critical. Then I was critical about being so critical – Finally throwing my hands up and giving in.

Shutting down.

Giving up is just so much EASIER.

Life is just something to move through if you're never trying to do anything special.

But it doesn't feel right. Not writing. The absence is felt deep within. Expressing myself is what I try to do. Even if I do it badly. Even if I do it without validation.

It's what I keep coming back to.

I have to keep trying.

The superficial fears will always be there. And I put a lot of pressure on myself to overcome them. So when I don’t, when I fail, my tragically obvious humanity disappoints me.

But what can I do after I fail?

Just stop?

I don’t want to be that person. That’s not going to give me what I want in life.

But absolute perfection is too much pressure…

So, the way I see it is that I need to start giving myself permission to fail.

That doesn’t mean I should half ass everything – But it does mean I have a responsibility to mess up occasionally. I need to. I MUST.

Because if I’m messing up, I’m learning…

This is me letting myself off the hook. I didn’t do what I initially committed to doing, but that’s ok. It happens, we learn from it, and move on.

You can’t be disappointed if you never try. But you can be regretful.

I don’t ever want to wish I had tried harder or been more honest or less fearful. I want to give it my all and deal with the fallout later.