'Tell me about a time you got lost' Charlie said.
I thought it over and pondered quietly to myself about whether or not I had actually ever felt LOST. My memories swam around searching for moments of lostness but I kept coming up empty handed.
For a moment, it made me sad and envious of those who couldn't find their way. And at the very fringes of my mind, I could feel twinges of panic seep into my head.
One day I'd like to get really and truly lost... As far as I can recall there's never been a time when I've wandered so far off that I didn't think I could find my way back.
I'm torn between being proud and ashamed.
Maybe Charlie means lost in a philosophical way - not being able to find your path - sort of debacle. Or maybe I'm over thinking it, as I tend to do, and she just means lost in the physical since.
Either way, I've always been too practical, too safe, too GOOD to ever allow myself to get lost.
I've seen what it does to people. I've seen them so far gone that they never seem to be able to get themselves back. But then, maybe that's the point. Maybe losing yourself is less about loosing who you are and more about finding who you can be.
It sounds nice on paper but in my heart of hearts I believe its bullshit.
I’m not going to 'find myself' off in the deserted parts of the forest. Being L-O-S-T isn't some sort of romantic explanation for spiritual growth. Being truly lost is a dark and dangerous experience. One you many never survive. Looking for trouble isn't going to bring me any closer to being found.
The path I walk is for me. I can't expect to never get lost but I also never intend on searching for an unknown since of myself. The fear of being lost is what I need to combat. The fear that keeps me from changing course.
'Charlie,' I whispered back. 'If I'm really lucky, I'll have plenty of opportunities to get lost and the strength to turn each of those opportunities down. Besides...' I went on. 'You can't ever get truly lost. Because, the you that you can't find never gets left behind. She just there - hiding in the shadow of the new you who's running from herself.'
I thought it over and pondered quietly to myself about whether or not I had actually ever felt LOST. My memories swam around searching for moments of lostness but I kept coming up empty handed.
For a moment, it made me sad and envious of those who couldn't find their way. And at the very fringes of my mind, I could feel twinges of panic seep into my head.
One day I'd like to get really and truly lost... As far as I can recall there's never been a time when I've wandered so far off that I didn't think I could find my way back.
I'm torn between being proud and ashamed.
Maybe Charlie means lost in a philosophical way - not being able to find your path - sort of debacle. Or maybe I'm over thinking it, as I tend to do, and she just means lost in the physical since.
Either way, I've always been too practical, too safe, too GOOD to ever allow myself to get lost.
I've seen what it does to people. I've seen them so far gone that they never seem to be able to get themselves back. But then, maybe that's the point. Maybe losing yourself is less about loosing who you are and more about finding who you can be.
It sounds nice on paper but in my heart of hearts I believe its bullshit.
I’m not going to 'find myself' off in the deserted parts of the forest. Being L-O-S-T isn't some sort of romantic explanation for spiritual growth. Being truly lost is a dark and dangerous experience. One you many never survive. Looking for trouble isn't going to bring me any closer to being found.
The path I walk is for me. I can't expect to never get lost but I also never intend on searching for an unknown since of myself. The fear of being lost is what I need to combat. The fear that keeps me from changing course.
'Charlie,' I whispered back. 'If I'm really lucky, I'll have plenty of opportunities to get lost and the strength to turn each of those opportunities down. Besides...' I went on. 'You can't ever get truly lost. Because, the you that you can't find never gets left behind. She just there - hiding in the shadow of the new you who's running from herself.'
No comments:
Post a Comment