It’s been almost two months since my granddad passed away.
I’ve never lost anyone before who was as close to me as he was, so I’m still learning how to wrap my head around this whole grieving thing.
At the same time though, it’s not like death is a new concept for me. I mean, I’ve been thinking about and contemplating death all my life. It has always been a very real to me and it’s not something I take lightly. My grandfather passing away doesn’t change that.
I’ve experienced what it feels like to be on the cusp of life. I understand what it feels like to begin to slip away from your own body.
My granddad had a similar experience, a few of them actually, and I have no doubt that was part of the reason why he appreciated life so much. He realized that he actually wanted to be here. He was GRATEFUL to be alive and I know he wasn't ready to go yet.
And I guess that's the hardest part to swallow. Knowing that someone who wanted to be alive isn’t when so many other people could care less.
But even that I can accept in a weird way. Mostly because I've come to accept the same fact in my own life.
I mean, chances are I'm going to be taken long before I'm ready. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me crying and boohooing or giving in. I can’t know what's going to happen anymore than the next person.
I’m just saying that if things shake out like they could, I won’t be as lucky as my granddad. I want very badly to live until my old age. I want wrinkles, I want to talk about the ’good old days’, I want to stick around and see my nieces, nephews, and their babies.
My granddad got to have a full and wonderful life. One I aspire to myself.
So the only thing left for me to be sad about is the fact that I'm just going to miss him. Deeply.
But even that only feels right for a short period of time. He gave me something sacred. He gave me his time, his attention, and his love... Just because he isn't around to give me that anymore doesn't mean I should cry. It makes me feel ungrateful for all the amazing time I did have.
He shaped me into the person I am. I’ll feel the affects of that for the rest of my life. Whatever I do, whatever my choices are, he’ll be influencing me. Because I have a part of him inside of me.
When I think about it like that, the loss doesn't seem so big. It seems manageable.
I’ve never lost anyone before who was as close to me as he was, so I’m still learning how to wrap my head around this whole grieving thing.
At the same time though, it’s not like death is a new concept for me. I mean, I’ve been thinking about and contemplating death all my life. It has always been a very real to me and it’s not something I take lightly. My grandfather passing away doesn’t change that.
I’ve experienced what it feels like to be on the cusp of life. I understand what it feels like to begin to slip away from your own body.
My granddad had a similar experience, a few of them actually, and I have no doubt that was part of the reason why he appreciated life so much. He realized that he actually wanted to be here. He was GRATEFUL to be alive and I know he wasn't ready to go yet.
And I guess that's the hardest part to swallow. Knowing that someone who wanted to be alive isn’t when so many other people could care less.
But even that I can accept in a weird way. Mostly because I've come to accept the same fact in my own life.
I mean, chances are I'm going to be taken long before I'm ready. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me crying and boohooing or giving in. I can’t know what's going to happen anymore than the next person.
I’m just saying that if things shake out like they could, I won’t be as lucky as my granddad. I want very badly to live until my old age. I want wrinkles, I want to talk about the ’good old days’, I want to stick around and see my nieces, nephews, and their babies.
My granddad got to have a full and wonderful life. One I aspire to myself.
So the only thing left for me to be sad about is the fact that I'm just going to miss him. Deeply.
But even that only feels right for a short period of time. He gave me something sacred. He gave me his time, his attention, and his love... Just because he isn't around to give me that anymore doesn't mean I should cry. It makes me feel ungrateful for all the amazing time I did have.
He shaped me into the person I am. I’ll feel the affects of that for the rest of my life. Whatever I do, whatever my choices are, he’ll be influencing me. Because I have a part of him inside of me.
When I think about it like that, the loss doesn't seem so big. It seems manageable.
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